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| Toad gets 6-month ban from mall Ross Park Mall- Jared McCall, arguably the most insane man in Shaler history, added to his long list of psychotic deeds today with a 6-month ban from Ross Park Mall! McCall, known to all of Shaler as Toad the pot-smoking frog, was finally arrested by mall police after a standoff that lasted hours on end. It all started when Toad, accompanied by his girlfriend Monica Murphy, went to go to Cinabon at the food court to get something to eat. This extremely skinny manakin-lookalike frog needed something to eat, as he hadn't had anything but beer and weed for the past week. All was going well for this former escaped mental patient until one of his managers from Different Pretzel Co., where he was fired after stealing millions of loot in company money, and started talking shit on the legend and his girlfriend. "The manager started saying all this shit to him, he completely started this whole thing. I would have seen more but i was too busy downing this greasy cheeseburger to pay attention to anything," said extremely fat 11th grader Bill Haas. Toad immediately acted without thinking and pulled out his gun and shot the manager right between the eyes instantly. Panic and chaos filled the mall as the psychotic frog began shooting random people passing by, killing as many women and children as he possibly could. "That sick bastard just started shooting, he aimed right for my mom and took her life in a second. Now i have no idea how i'm going to eat or go to the salvation army to pick up my clothes tonight," said fellow dirtball 12th grader and Millvale resident Dave Brennan. The Mall police came quickly to the scene on their shiny bicycles to dispose of this complete and utter fucking lunatic. Of course, we are proud of say that the Shaler Free Press was the first news team on the scene. Toad showed everyone he ment business by taking his beloved girlfriend Monica hostage, holding the gun to her head in a shocking turn of events. "Wow is all i have to say. I never thought in a million years Toad would ever take his beloved asian hostage. Makes me kinda hungry thinking about it," said blob SFP camaraperson Brian Bell seconds before he was shot directly in the chest. The standoff lasted an estimated 4 hours as Toad ran out of bullets and ran on foot through the mall, punching and even biting as many people as he could. The closest anyone came to him was the dumbass secruity guard, who Toad promptly did a roundhouse on and kicked his skull in. The shuffle went to the mall parking lot as the cops tracked McCall down. Without a weapon, Toad quickly bit off a tree branch of a nearby tree and used it as a weapon to beat an innocent pedestrian to death. The psychotic frogman was surrounded however, and finally surrendered hours later after he was out of food. The mall police quickly arrested McCall, got on their bikes, and immediately delivared the insaneoid to the psych ward, where he immediately released and on the streets in less than 24 hours. The Shaler Free Press are proud to say that Brian Bell is in serious condition and with any luck will die in the hospital. back to home |
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