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| Rumor Mill It's the infamous rumor mill, the place where we, the Shaler Free Press, gather vital information that nobody knows about. Once we get a story, we're on it like Majewski on a cheeseburger. Once affiliated with the Rumore Mill (vale). -Mob Boss Phil Direnzo is free from jail of racketeering charges and is rumored to have started up on the Direnzo crime family once again, operationg out of a speak easy on the South Side. -Chris Faraglia breaks the sound barrier on route 28 north in his rice burner. Riding with Jason Faulkner who apparently wet his pants out of fright. -Erin Payne starts a fishbone tribute band along with this kid with really shaggy hair that always wears a leather jacket whose in 10th grade. No word yet if Joe Marks has joined yet. -Jake Mitchell resigned from Shaler after kissing Beth Snyder on the forehead. We all knew that already, but what we did not know is why in the world would he kiss Beth? He was actually blinded by the giant reflecting light beaming off her fore(4foot that is)head. The Beth Snyder is a bitch signs were instantly put up around the school and it has been confirmed that the signs were the doing of SFP's very own Winne Cooper. -The hottest rumor around Shaler, about Edward Trdina having a kid, is completely absolutely true. The mother of the child lives in his basement and is formerly from Ambridge. - rumor has it that the most feared crime organization in the world is coming out of hiding to kill once again. Thats right kids the Millvale Mafia is back. The gang has been in hiding since a combined attack from The shop and save mafia and toad's clean millvale kids, killed all but 3 little dirtballs. those three little dirt balls where none other than John Jucha, Pj Fishinger, and Dino Scarseli. Jucha has been named godfather after slicing open Gyatons chest and eating his heart. new members include slick, john harris, and many other Millvale dirtballs. - Rumor has it that toad is planning on crucifying several Shaler students at homecoming. Apparently they have been hitting on shaler superlegend, Monica Murphy. He said to watch out for the puddles of blood coming from the bathroom. -Tony Larkin went downtown Pittsburgh today and changed his name to very random. When asked about his name change Larkin commented "It was random, very random. -In a dramatic turn of events, pale bastard Brian Bell got a tan. He got burnt at the Pitt football game. Now that turkey has a beutiful brown glaze. -Rumor has it that sophomore Melissa Riley and now senior Matt Sullivan were caught in Shaler High's parking lot by the cops butt-ass naked in the back of Sullivan's truck. The cops immediately booked Sullivan for rape on the young girl and threw him in the Allegheny County Jail without even giving him a trial. On the rape charge, Sullivan had this to say: "legendary". Still no word if Sullivan is still alive or getting raped up the ass at this point. -new Shaler grad Tony Larkin is rumored to be going out with a 13 year old girl from Fox Chapel. On the allegations Larkin said "dude, but we got a lot of stuff in common: she likes nsync like me, she loves to go to jetz, and she's bomb ass" -In the GaytonWatch, Gayton has not been seen in months. He's reported to have been either missing or even dead in an alley somewhere. Nobody can even smell the cocksucker. In a desperate rescue attempt, the FBI is arguing Gayton to quit taking showers in hopes that his foul stench will led them directly to the famous scrub. -Rumor has it that SA hockey's past, Toad, has killed SA swimming's future, Geoff Erhart, in a bloody struggle at Kiwanis pool. Toad started it off with a few sweep kicks to Erhart then knocked him unconcious with a bicycle kick to the head. Toad then bashed Erhart's head off of the pavement an estimated 43 times before his skull completely shaddered. If the rumor is true, the Millvale police said they'd do everything in their power to arrest Millvale's number 1 suspect, right after the Krispy Kreme in Etna is built. -The current word on da street is that apparantly Kevin Herbold beat up some kid from Hampton. Herbold started it off by making fun of the kid's girlfriend. Immediately after that, the kid, known as the Hampton Hardass, wanted to fight Herbold. So after the kid landed a few punches on Herbold, Herbold apparantly tackled him to the ground and kept banging his head off the ground. -In a second event, Herbold had a confrontation with Millvale's finest and tallest kid, Zac. Quickly, Herbold is becoming the toughest kid in Shaler. Watch out kids. -Shaler Blimp Rob Carothers apparnetly flipped his car over on Anderson Road. Carothers said "I was just going to fast and couldnt take the curb." But we, the insiders of the SFP know that Carothers dropped a cheeseburger on the ground and lost control of the wheel. DIE YOU PIG! -In a stunning turn of events, Tony DiRenzo, Shalers Biggest wasteoid, is apparently going to be attending Duquesne University in the fall. He plans to teach psychos like himself and eat as much pizza as humanly possible. -ATTE officer Jan Gray says goodbye to students Tony DiRenzo, Jason Ritter, Jason Donley, and Damian Dragun. Hall of legends will be out on them soon. -Shaler superlegend, former attendence sheet king and former withdrawal Loren Sanderson has been spotted in Millvale and out of Shuman, his parents, however, still live in the same house with his 25 other siblings. -We're not quite sure about this one but Dave Killian's mom called the Shaler Free Press' offices on Wednesday, June 12 to inform us that her insane son is dead. According to her, Dave was doing about 110 on Mt. Royal in his '88 Cougar and was impressing his friends by swerving into oncoming traffic when he hit a car on the side, flipped over and pumbled down a cliff to his death. Killian's mom was transported to Western Psych immediately after trying to stab her daughter, Stephanie Killian, to death. -Joe Marks was annouced in a press conference here at SFP studios that he may come out with his own clothing line. The line right now consists of dirty moccasons, old dirty pink Wisconsin shirts, and bucket hats. Apparantly, he was sick of people telling him he had nice, expensive clothes that we couldn't find anywhere else. In SFP Vinyl news, Luciano DiFiore has parted ways with his ultra-greasy backup band. I guess they just couldn't tame his greasy black daego mullet. -Rumor has it now-graduate Jason Ritter has a girlfriend. We here at the Shaler Free Press aren't really looking into this one being that Ritter is the fattest thing to set foot on God's green earth since 2-Ton Tony Moran (rumor has it the 2 are twins separated at birth, i guess the unfortunate mother couldn't hold both of them in her hands at once). -Rumors are flying that Chris Gayton, fresh off of his Shaler graduation, may be running for the mayor of Millvale in the upcoming election against Frank. Something tells me Gayton could really reach out to the Millvalians with his "no hope with soap" routine, the faggot. -Apparantly, Erin "Brain" Payne has been bragging about how he has a job at WPXI. We here at the Shaler Free Press found out that he just had an interview and is waiting for a callback. Sorry to disappoint you, Erin, but I don't think being fat, gay, greasy, and a fucking psycho fits into the credentials at WPXI, try McDonald's on for size. back home |
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